The Marauder's Prank Book
by SS Pumpkin Pie
Summary: Sirius has an idea: a prank book with pranks and rules for the next generation. Inbetween a hilarious story, this is what they come up with. Everyone is inchar. and Peter is in it.
1. The Ten Commandments

**Marauder's Prankbook**

**Disclaimer: The characters all belong to JK Rowling. As much as I have wished, I'm am not JK Rowling. So they're not mine. Although I definitely would like to own Remus and Sirius. ;**

**A/N: So I came up with this brilliant idea and I just had to write it out. And I did once. This is a rewrite. I actually didn't change that much. Please review and tell me what you think!**

Chapter One, The Ten Commandments

"James, Peter, Remus, brilliant idea!" Sirius Black yelled as he skidded into the common room on one rainy day in January. The other Gryffindors gave him an odd look, but were for the most part used to his nonsensical outbursts. They continued on with what they were doing.

The three sixteen year olds looked up from what they were doing. James and Remus had been playing chess (Remus was kicking his ass) and Peter had been watching. Sirius plopped down on the couch next to Peter.

"You, an idea? That'll be the day," Remus scoffed. He himself wasn't entirely sure if he was kidding or not.

"Yeah, who'd you steal it off of?" James wanted to know.

Sirius gave them an affronted look, then said, "No one! It's my own and it's good."

"Well I'm having no part of it." James said with a note of finality. "I like who I am, I'm not growing another limb like last time!"

Sirius chuckled, remembering the incident well. "That was Wormtail's fault. Besides, your head's too big anyway. It really didn't grow that much." Peter blushed and muttered an apology, while James shook his head in disbelief. "Anyway, this is nothing like that," Sirius continued.

"Do I even want to know?" Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Definitely not." The other three answered simultaneously. Remus had been in the hospital wing following a full moon and so had no idea the extent of the damage done to James's limbs and head. Although, he considered, he didn't remember seeing James in the hospital wing. They had either gotten a seventh year who was studying healing magic to help them, or the damage had gone away on its own.

Sirius tapped his foot on the ground impatiently and said, "Ok, do you want to hear my idea or not?" Remus looked up from his pondering. Peter moved his glace from the floor to his usual adoration at Sirius and James leaned back in his chair and raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, what is it?" James asked after a moment. His voice took the tone of asking to be polite, but not really wanting to know.

"Okay, here it is…" Sirius paused for effect, then said, "We should do a Prank book."

The three had gone very quiet. Finally James asked, "What the hell is that?"

Sirius sighed in exasperation, but explained. "It's a book. With pranks and rules and stuff for the next generation of marauders. You know, so our ways don't get lost when the inevitable happens and we grow up."

There was more silence.

"Okay, what's the problem now?" Sirius asked irritably. He had finally had a good idea and no one could appreciate it.

James were staring at Sirius like he'd grown another head. Remus' mouth had fallen open in shock. Peter looked the way he always did – pure adoration.

"Well, for one thing, you, Padfoot, will never grow up," James said. He dodged the pillow Sirius tossed at his head.

"Okay, besides my imminent life of immaturity," Sirius asked. He looked at Remus.

"That's a good idea!" He managed to choke out. He shuddered. "Scary. Never thought I'd say that!"

"So we're going to do it?" Sirius looked at the three of them hopefully, his brown eyes lighting up.

"Of course!"

"I'm in!"

"Me too!"

His mouth widening into a broad grin, Sirius summoned a pad of parchment, a quill and some ink. After much debate, pillow throwing and eye rolling, chapter one was entitled, "The ten commandments of pranking" After further eye rolling and argument…Er, that is, _debate_… After further _debate_ they came up with commandment number one: "Thou shall not get caught."

"Number one rule." James said, looking at the page as if he were surveying a favorite nephew. Regardless of the fact he was an only child and didn't have any nephews.

Remus took the notebook from James and wrote:

"2. Thou shall not hurt intentionally, bar all Slytherins and their descendants.

3. Thou shall not prank fellow Marauders, with the exception of revenge purposes.

4. Thou shall not pull the same prank twice.

5. Thou shall not become incessantly obsessed with pranking."

He threw it back to James, proclaiming, "Okay, I'm out."

"What are you doing?" asked a stern female voice. James looked up to see Lily Evans glaring at them, a hand on her hip.

He ruffled his hair and grinned. "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."

Lily's glare hardened. "Do you want detention? I'm a prefect, I can give it."

"On what grounds?"

"Threats, Insubordination."

James chucked. "Look at that, little Miss Lily is using such big words!" he flicked an imaginary tear from under his eye. "Oh they grow up so fast!"

"Just tell me what you're up to so I can give you detention and go to bed."

James flashed her a sugar coated grin. "Oh, I can assure you, what we're doing in perfectly legal. You on the other hand? Using your power to harass us innocents? Now that's a different story."

Lily snorted. "James Potter, you have never been innocent. You will never _be_ innocent. So just tell me what you're doing!"

It was now nearing ten and most of the Gryffindors were headed to bed. James glanced briefly at the disappearing crowd then flashed Lily a grin. "Go out with me."

"WHAT?" squawked Lily.

"You heard me." James replied. "Go out with me for a week and I'll tell you what we're doing."

"Not on your life. Furthermore, I will never go out with you. Accept it!" She paused. "And I probably don't want to know anyway."

Remus was reading over Sirius' shoulder. He muttered, "Smart girl," and didn't even look up.

"Curfew is in ten minuets." she said calmly, deciding that losing her temper was not the best way to deal with James. "If I find you've past it, you will be in detention for a month."

"You look cute when you're flustered." James commented plainly, although he was talking about the weather.

"Humph!" Lily stomped up the staircase to the girl's dorm. She paused at the top and turned to look back at James. "I've got my eye on you, Potter," she threatened.

"Can't bare to look away, huh?" he flexed his muscles and grinned.

Lily let out a muffled scream and slammed her door behind her.

"Sirius, you dolt!" Remus said quite suddenly, pointing to something on the page of the book.

James looked over and read what was there. "Sirius you dolt!"

"What?" Sirius cried, looking rather miffed. He looked to where Remus was pointing. "Whoops."

Sirius had managed to add five more rules, so the entire list read:

"1. Thou shall not get caught.

2. Thou shall not hurt intentionally, bar all Slytherins and their descendants.

3. Thou shall not prank fellow Marauders, with the exception of revenge purposes.

4. Thou shall not pull the same prank twice."

5. Thou shall not become incessantly obsessed with pranking.

6. Thou shall not share pranks with nonmarauders.

7. Thou shall not let this book fall into the wrong hands, namely Slytherins, any and all teachers...etc.

8. Thou shall not snitch.

9. Thou shall not get caught.

10. Thou shall be up to not good."

"Great, now we still need another rule!" James rolled his eyes.

"Er, actually, we could leave it." Peter spoke up timidly. Everyone turned to look at him, as this was the first thing he'd said in an hour.

"Yeah, maybe it could stay. It is a prank book, maybe we could leave it as a joke of sorts," he explained.

"Huh," James said. "Sounds good. This is a good day for the slower of the group."

Sirius reclaimed the pillow he'd thrown earlier and smacked James over the head with it. He glared, but the effect of both was ruined when he grinned.

Remus noticed Peter yawning and said, "Maybe we should leave chapter two until tomorrow." He gestured to Peter, who was almost nodding off.

"Okay," James agreed. "But first- I hereby christen this book, "The Marauder's Prank book.""

He was half way up the stairs before Sirius realized and yelled, "Hey, how come you get to name the book? It was my idea! I should get to name it!"

"I'm the leader," said James as though that should explain everything.

"I wanna be the leader!"

James rolled his eyes. "Goodnight." The rest of the group followed, each saying to another, "Night."

**A/N: Hugs and cookies if you review! Also, brownies to those who would like to beta or would like to help with ideas for the book they're writing. After the Ten Commandments, I'm kind of stuck.**


	2. The Basic Principles Part One: The Who

After much arguing, that is, _debate_, here is chapter two! I hope you enjoy; please review!

Chapter Two: The Five W's of Pranking. Section One: The Who

Transfiguration was never about the class to the Marauders. Although Peter struggled to keep up, the other three breezed though it, earning perfect marks on just about everything. Of course, it didn't hurt that in studying to become animagi, they had learned a good portion of highly advanced magic that, of course, no one in their year could possibly accomplish. After that, anything else in Transfiguration was really no big deal, even Remus who hadn't actually done it. He had read up on the theory, but Remus was bright enough already, even with his monthly trips to the hospital wing.

So instead of paying attention, the four passed notes back and forth, trying to come up with a good subject for the second chapter of their book.

**What about examples of pranks?**

James scrawled the note in his big, messy handwriting and prodded the parchment with his wand. The parchment folded itself up into a paper crane (what James liked to think was his own personal touch) and fluttered onto Sirius's desk. Sirius opened the note, wrote a reply, and sent it back. Instead of folding up like a crane like James's, it only folded up into a little square and flapped over to James's desk.

_**Nah, too many to list.**_

**That's why they'd be examples**

_**One of our commandments is never to pull the same prank twice, remember? What if the next generation steals our ideas?**_

**Well, do you have any better ideas?**

Sirius looked up to scowl at James, who only smirked confidently.

"Potter, Black!" interrupted McGonagall, snapping them to attention.

"Yes Professor?" asked James innocently. He ruffled up his hair, which seemed to work on teachers as well as girls. He also threw in an innocent grin for good measure.

McGonagall pursed her lips. "Could you, perhaps, enlighten the class to the proper incantation for changing one's facial features? And Mr. Black, if you would please demonstrate."

"Certainly, Professor." James recited the spell flawlessly, and Sirius preformed it, lengthening his nose and face until he resembled Snape. He also lengthened his hair with a different spell. The class noticed this and nearly everyone laughed. Peter was gasping for breath and looked about to wet himself, but Lily just scowled and faced the front of the room, eyes fixed on McGonagall.

"Very well," said McGonagall. "There will be a quiz on this, so I expect your full attention." McGonagall returned to her lecture on proper self-transformation etiquette and James returned to smirking at Sirius.

_We've been over this, Prongs. You have to at least _look _like you're paying attention._

Remus's note stopped at James's desk and he stopped smirking long enough to read the small, neat handwriting and reply.

**Well if you're so smart, Moony, do you have any ideas for chapter two?**

Remus replied to this by keeping his focus on McGonagall, appearing as though pondering her words and taking notes on them. Then he turned his wand sideways from where it lie on the desk and gently prodded the note. It folded itself up very small, fluttered to the floor and crawled over to James. Then it floated upwards and sat on James's desk. Remus continued to listen to McGonagall, still taking down a note every so often. She noticed this and nodded at him approvingly. Scowling at this uncharacteristic showing-off behavior of Remus's, James opened the note.

_As a matter of fact, I do. The basic principles of pranking – the five W's. The who, what, why, when, where, and how if you want._

James shrugged and mouthed 'I guess' at Remus. Then he sent the note over to Sirius, who gave it a thumbs-up. Sirius sent it to Peter who grinned and nodded enthusiastically. He tried to send a note of his approval back to James, but when he poked the parchment, instead of folding up, it burst into flames.

Peter fell backwards in his chair, causing snickers from those who turned to look. They noticed the fire and moved away from it all at once. One of the girls shrieked and tripped over an abandoned chair.

"Really now, you'd think this was a class of Muggles," said McGonagall as Lily strode forward and deftly put out the flames. "Very good, Miss Evans," she added. "Pettigrew, detention. Stay after class so we can arrange it. You need to _think_ about what you're doing." She paused to resettle her spectacles, then addressed the class. "Settle down, everyone back to your seats. We still have a few more pages to cover before we're finished."

Faced with an empty block of time before lunch and no homework they actually desired to do, the Marauders (minus Peter, who was still with McGonagall) took up residence in an abandoned corner of the library to work on chapter two.

"So this is what the library looks like," commented James as he looked around. "Funny, I always thought it was on the next floor."

"That's because you always have your head in the clouds and your arse on a broomstick," Sirius pointed out.

Remus's mouth, however, had fallen open in shock. "You've been here nearly six years, and you've never been to the library?" He paused to reconsider. "No, actually, that doesn't surprise me. You just copy off of me."

James just shrugged. "Why ruin a system that's proved itself perfectly faithful?"

Remus rolled his eyes. He was about to respond when a crash caught all of their attentions. They looked up to see Peter sprawled out on the floor, books piled around him. Madam Pince swooped down on him where he sat, shouting at him to be more careful. He had, apparently, not been paying attention to where he was going and hit a bookshelf, spilling books from Madam Pince's painfully organized shelves. Peter nodded at everything she said in between almost inaudible apologies while his bottom lip trembled.

"Irritating the librarian again, eh Wormtail?" James smirked at Peter as the latter fell into a seat across from the former.

"It's no joke!" protested Peter. "She's scary." He gave an involuntary shudder.

Sirius, ignoring Peter's librarian fears, tore the corner off of the corner of the top sheet of parchment. He balled it up, flicked it at James, and said, "Can we get to the point, please?"

"Good idea," said Remus unconsciously. He paused to consider this. "That's twice in the same week. What is the world coming to?" He grinned at Sirius, who returned it with a scowl.

"I have plenty of good ideas!" He frowned and thought about it for a second. "Whose idea was it to become animagi?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Mine," said James blankly.

"Oh." Sirius's face fell. "Well…What about filling the Charms room with sand?"

"Mine again," James said.

Sirius's forehead wrinkled up in thought. Determined to find something to claim, he tried desperately, "What about the last group Defense essay? Whose idea was the topic for that, huh? Huh?"

"Actually," said James thoughtfully, "that one was Peter. It was a very Twilight Zone kind of day."

This comment earned James two raised eyebrows and Peter's scrunched up forehead (he hadn't quite mastered the single raised brow). "Muggle television show," explained James. The looks persisted, although Peter managed to relax his face a little, so instead of the lines across his forehead, he instead had two raised eyebrows, giving the illusion he was startled. "My mum hired a muggle babysitter when I was little. I used to go over her house and we'd watched old reruns. It was pretty cool…Paranormal stuff like aliens were on there a lot."

After another moment's silence, Remus said pointedly, "Okay, so, chapter two. The basic principles. Which W should go first?"

"How about who?" suggested Peter. "Who to prank and who not to prank."

"Is there really anyone we don't prank?" asked Sirius. Generally, the school was pretty evenly victimized by the four. They did, of course, know where to draw the line with certain people. For instance, Professor Flitwick was perfectly content with a roomful of sand. He vanished it in about a second and even awarded the boys House Points for a well executed charm. The same stunt with, say, McGonagall, would have resulted in a week of detentions. Not that this was necessarily a bad thing. James and Sirius especially viewed detentions as an opportunity to further their mischief. And of course, with Sirius's two way mirrors, even separate detentions could be fun.

"Well, why don't we just start with people we definitely prank?" The other three nodded at Remus's suggestion, so Remus dipped his quill into the ink pot, pulled the pad of parchment toward him and wrote on the top sheet in large block letters, 'Chapter Two: The Basic Principles. Section One: The Who.' Underneath that, he wrote a Roman numeral one and the word 'prankable'.

"Slytherins," said James at once. "Especially Snivellus. And his descendents. Of course, he would have to get married first. Or at least _find_ a girl who'd put up with his grease." James pulled a face as a thought came to him. "Oh, the mental images! I'm going to need therapy."

"You already needed therapy, Prongs," quipped Sirius. After a moment, he wrinkled up his nose, a thought of his own coming to him. "Ugh, now I have them! You'd better be paying for my therapy!"

"Not a chance. You brought it upon yourself. Karma said so."

"Karma can't say anything," said Remus, heading off the bickering match that was sure to follow. From experience he knew that the only person James bickered with more than Sirius was Lily. "Now, can we leave behind the images to get back to work?"

"Fine," relented Sirius. "But I'm scarred. Prongs better pay for my therapy."

"Fine, Padfoot," said Remus. He dipped the quill into the ink again and under what he'd written before, he wrote a regular one and 'Slytherins'.

"Don't forget Snivelly!" said James louder than he meant to, earning a very evil look from Madam Pince and a shiver from Peter. The other three rolled their eyes at him, but he just said, "She's scary." Remus wrote down the name (his given name, that was) and looked at the other three expectantly.

"Show-offy Ravenclaws," said Peter bitterly. This House had always been a source of resentment for Peter. He struggled through almost all of his classes (though he did, occasionally, have a peculiar knack for Herbology), and he hated the Ravenclaws that seemed to breeze through them with no trouble at all.

Remus nodded and complied, even though he was on the borderline of show-offy Ravenclaw himself. "Anything else?"

"Ooh, the firsties!" said Sirius. An evil sort of grin twisted his features and gave an odd glint in his eyes. "Gotta give them a proper welcoming."

"We were first years, too," Peter pointed out, and James gave an audible, "Really now?" Peter ignored him and continued, "And no one did that to us. Why should we do that to innocent first years we don't even know."

"No one pranked us because we're brilliant. We got to them first, anyway, remember?" said James. He grinned broadly, remembering all too well the occasion when Lily Evans had ended up in the lake during the first boat trip to the school. He and Sirius had been in her boat (James thought she was cute and persuaded Sirius to move near her). They had ganged up on her and shoved her in. She was fine, of course. Hagrid managed to fish her out and once they reached the castle, McGonagall administered a quick drying spell so she wouldn't catch a chill. James figured that was the reason she hated him so much, but from then on, no one had been able to prank them. Oh sure, the past class clowns had tried, but the four always managed to stay at least one step ahead, and they countered with something better. Peter and Remus were unprankable by association. Remus was no doubt bright enough to avoid them on his own, but Peter depended on being seen with the other three to get through the day alive.

"Okay, the first years," said Remus reluctantly. He should have put a stop to any first year pranking as he saw it, but out of loyalty to his friends, he kept his mouth shut. "Anything else?"

"I know!" spoke up Sirius again. "But I want to write."

James rolled his eyes. "No one can read your handwriting."

"Uh huh!" He accepted the quill and parchment Remus passed to him and wrote 'Prefects' and 'Head Boy and Girl'. "Except for you, Moony," added Sirius quickly when he saw the indignant look Remus gave him. "You're a marauder; you don't count."

Remus shrugged. "I let you get away with too much to be a proper prefect anyway."

"That's the spirit, Moony," said James. "And it's my turn to write." He took the quill from Sirius and wrote a Roman numeral two and 'Possible'. Under that, he listed 'Teachers', 'Hufflepuffs', 'Girls', 'Family', and 'Upperclassmen'. Then he wrote 'Untouchable'. There was, of course, only one thing to list under this heading, and James wrote it out: 'Fellow Marauders (except for revenge)'.

The four marauders smiled down at the pad of parchment. "Old Snivelly and his descendents--" Sirius and James shuddered involuntarily -- "will never know what hit them," said Peter viciously. "Serves them right." He swore violently.

"Woah, Wormtail," said Remus, eyebrows raised at him in mild surprise. "We don't like Snape, but I don't think that was necessary."

"Let him say what he wants. I'm quite capable of taking it," interrupted an oily voice. He glared at the four of them. His greasy hair hung limp over his shoulders and its dark color made his skin look especially pale. The bright lighting of the library was a sharp contrast to the dark circles under his eyes. "What was that, Pettigrew? Want to repeat that to my face?"

Peter squeaked, but got to his feet. He repeated himself bravely, but his voice trembled, ruining the effect. Snape strode forward and drew his wand. His robes billowed out around him, and he pointed his wand between Peter's eyes.

"You'll want to put that away," said James, getting to his feet and drawing his own wand.

"We wouldn't want to do something we'll regret," warned Sirius, on his feet as well.

Remus remained seated. As a perfect, he should have stopped it. He should have pulled James and Sirius away from Snape and prevented anything further from happening. However, his loyalty to his friends won out, and he did nothing except say, "Guys, he's not worth it."

"Get out of here, Snivelly." James moved around the table, his wand at Snape's throat. James could see Snape try to control a wince. "I don't want to have to jinx you."

"Can't say the same for myself though," said Sirius, moving next to James. "You don't want to mess with Peter here. Then you have to deal with all of us."

Madam Pince, who happened to be rounding the corner at that moment, shrieked when she saw them, wands all out and pointed threateningly at each other. "OUT OUT OUT!" she screeched. Snape took it as an opportunity to dash off. The marauders scrambled to gather their belongings, and Madam Pince waved them all out the door and didn't stop yelling until they were far down the corridor.

All panting and short of breath (except for James, who was only slightly pink in the face), they turned a corner. They waited until they were out of sight of the library before they all collapsed into laughter.

"That's what he gets," said Sirius with a broad grin. "Looks like he's experienced with angering the librarian too, huh Wormtail?"

Peter grinned as well. He opened his mouth to speak but had to wait several moments before he could say anything while he got his breathing back down to a normal pace. Finally, while his face was still red and beads of sweat clung to his forehead, he said, "Yeah."

James chuckled at Peter's reaction. "Did you guys see the look on her face when she came around that corner?"

Remus had to laugh as well. The look was a memorable one. "Priceless. But do you really have to start fights with him all the time?"

"Aw, Moony, lighten up," said Sirius. "We weren't really going to hurt him. Besides, he started it. We had to stick up for Wormtail!"

"I know, Padfoot. But you should just walk away." Remus knew he wasn't going to get through to them. He sighed, and then changed the subject. "So…Any ideas for chapter three?"

Erg, so there's chapter two! Hope you enjoyed! Please review, and feel free to drop off book suggestions or suggestions for the story itself. I will consider all suggestions, so if there's something you want to happen, let me know!


	3. The Basic Principles Part Two: The What

After a very, _very_ long hiatus (read like "I got a life, so fan fiction was head to me."), I have returned with chapter three of the Marauder's Prank book. In this chapter we get yet another chapter of the prank book, yet another angry confrontation, and more L/J flirting type deal.

Chapter Three: The Five W's of Pranking. Section Two: The What

The days following the Snape-library incident were strangely (and perhaps dangerously) quiet for the Marauders. For the most part the Slytherins stayed out of their way and James's interactions with Lily were limited to passes made from twenty feet down the hall. She was too far away to care properly and generally surrounded by her friends, so she only rolled her eyes and scoffed at his immaturity.

One week after the completion of the second chapter, Sirius cornered James, Remus and Peter in the Gryffindor common room while they lazed around after a particularly nasty potions class. "Why aren't we working on my book?" he demanded, standing over Remus's chair, leaning menacingly on the two arms. His glare flicked back and forth between the three of them. "Well?"

Before anyone could answer, a snarky second year wolf-whistled at Sirius. "About time you came out of the closet. Give poor Lupin a chance to respond before you jump his bones," he shouted, an evil grin on his face. "Of course all the ladies will be crushed, but then they've still got Potter. Though sometimes I wonder…"

The comment was made in jest, certainly, and James could see that and let it go, but Sirius had been the butt of entirely too many innuendos involving himself and Remus to let it go. He stood up straight, said, "Excuse me for a moment," and strode over to the little prat.

"Look you little git, for the last time – I am NOT IN THE CLOSET!" He shouted the last part and those who had not previously been listening took note now.

"Well of course not," snarked the second year again. "You just announced _that._"

Sirius let out a growl, similar to that of a large dog, and, with years of practice and natural ability guiding him, jinxed the second year with an adept Bat Bogey hex. Then he replaced the wand back in his pocket and stood in front of the three other Marauders again. Ignoring James's golf clap, Remus's slight blush, and Peter's adoring (and a little frightened) gaze, he said, "Right. So, chapter three? We can work in the library. Hopefully it's quieter there."

James hopped to his feet, summoned his parchment pad and writing supplies and followed Sirius out of the portrait hole, his supplies floating along behind him. Peter followed James and Remus ran ahead of Sirius. "Wait for me," he said with an air of great patience. "You don't know where you're going. Follow me."

Following ten minutes of bickering over which 'W' was to come next, they settled on 'What.' This, they felt, was the next easiest to do.

"Look," James instructed, "we can just explain the levels of pranking. Like, minor jokes like appearance changing and such, then public humiliation, like when we wrote 'Kiss Me, I'm Slimy' on the back of all the Slytherins robes." He paused to reminisce in the glory of this satisfying prank.

"Sounds good," the other three agreed and after ten more minutes of squabbling, it was finally decided that Remus was to be the official writer of the book, considering he had the more legible handwriting out of the four. He wrote out the two that had already been said along with a brief description of each, and then waited for more suggestions.

Sirius tapped a finger to his chin, apparently thinking, a view that was not seen often. "How about…School-wide pranks, like when we mixed up everyone's timetables to say odd classes like 'American and European Sociology through the Media'--"

"Which, I'm telling you is a real class for Muggles. My muggle babysitter was in college, she told me about it. That's where she got the Twilight Zone psycho-chatter," interrupted James.

"And structural pranks" continued Sirius, not skipping a beat or responding to James's comment, "like when we hexed the doors to the Great Hall to insult anyone who walked through them besides us."

Remus took this all down patiently. When he was finished writing and had looked back up again, Peter said, "Hey, I have an idea."

The three looked at him and James said, "Okay, amazing as it is that you and Sirius are finally using your brains, you don't have to announce it every time you have an idea. We're not marking it down for the calendars. You're not that special anymore. Out with it."

Peter's chubby face fell and he continued, much less confidently, "Well, there's always invention pranks. Like the map."

"Good job, Wormtail. Moony, write that down." Remus complied. "Okay, anything--"

"Back in the library again? This must be a record for your little gang, Potter. I'm surprised you could find it again."

James looked up from the table to the owner of this voice, who happened to be about 5'11'', sallow skinned, greasy haired and hook nosed. "Haven't you learned your lesson, Snivelly? What happened the last time you bothered us?"

"If your chum the librarian hadn't walked in just then…"

"What? You'd really have done us in? We're so scared." He stood up and knocked his knees together dramatically. "Look, I'm shaking in my shoes." He flicked his wand at Snape and Snape's legs shook and jiggled rather like jelly. "And look, you're shaking now, too. Frightened, Snivellus?"

Remus continued to write, refusing to look up, but Peter and Sirius laughed loudly, encouraging James. James crossed his arms proudly.

Snape glared and wobbled over to James. "Brave now, huh, Potter? What happens when you haven't got your little friends to back you up?"

"Now Snapey," James mocked. "We're all sorry you haven't got any friends, but it's not our fault no one wants to get close enough to catch your grease. You might want to try a shower now and again. Seems to work for everyone else."

Snape raised his wand threateningly and started to bellow, "_SECTUM_-"

"NOT IN MY LIBRARY AGAIN! IF I SEE YOU IN THIS LIBRARY AGAIN, YOU WILL ALL HAVE DETENTION FOR A MONTH!" Madam Pince pulled a book out of the shelf next to her and whapped Snape over the head with it. "OUT! OUT! OUT!" she shrieked. The Marauders scrambled up from their chairs before being shooed out of the library, Madam Pince whapping whoever was closest with her book.

"And then you wonder why we don't visit the library," scolded James to an out-of-breath Remus halfway down the hallway. "That woman's mad! Why would anyone voluntarily go in there?"

"They go for the books, Prongs," Remus told him. "And we left ours in there, along with the Prank Book. And we can't exactly go back for them. You heard her, detention for a month."

"When's that ever stopped us before?" asked Sirius.

"You can go ahead," panted Peter. "I don't want to be in detention with her that long."

Fortunately and conveniently for both the Marauders and the author, Lily Evans was on her way to the library that very moment. James saw her coming and ran a hand through his already messy hair. "Oy, Evans!" he called. "C'mere for a sec!"

Lily stopped just short of them, almost to the double doors of the library. "What do you want Potter?" she asked, exasperated. "I have Potions homework."

He gave her a goofy grin, then asked, "Pince threw us out of the library and threatened detention, but we left our stuff. Want to grab them for us? They're in the potions section, not like it's out of your way."

"What makes you think I would want to do anything for you or your friends?" she scoffed.

"Come on, Evans. I'll let you go on a date with me!"

Lily glared. "Whatever you did to get yourselves thrown out of the library is none of my concern." She hugged her books closer to herself then stalked away from the four.

Remus threw a stern look to James then ran after Lily, stopping her just before she actually went into the library. James couldn't hear what he was saying to her, but he assumed that it had something to do with their plight. Finally, they saw Lily throw up one hand and say, exasperatedly, "Fine!" and then stalk into the library. She came out a few moments later with her arms loaded with parchment scraps and James's ink and quills. She pushed this all into Remus's arms and turned on her heel with out another word.

"Aww, Evans! I don't get to give you a thank you kiss?" James called after her. Lily shot a glare at him over her shoulder then continued into the library.

"Why do you always have to make her so angry, Prongs?" Remus asked him, handing over his stuff. "Next time, she won't go back for us, and we'll just have to do without."

James just stuck out his tongue and, over Remus's "Oh, very mature, James," said loudly, "So how'd you get to her to get that stuff for us anyway? She doesn't listen to anyone."

"You'd be surprised what you can accomplish with a little bit of honey," Remus told him matter-of-factly. "You ought to try it sometime."

"You gave her honey?" Peter butted in, his face twisted in confusion.

Remus sighed slightly, not at all surprised that Peter didn't understand the expression. "It's just an expression, Wormtail," he explained. "Have you ever heard 'you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar'? It means I was nice to her, unlike Prongs here."

"I was nice to her!" James protested. "I offered to take her on a date!" Remus rolled his eyes and ignored Peter's second question: "Why would anyone _want_ to catch flies?"

"You know, maybe if you were a little nicer to her, she would speak to you," Remus pointed out. "As in actual real words, not yelling and sarcasm."

"What, like you Moony?" James asked, nearly shouting. "I don't want to be her study partner; I want to go out with her!"

A hurt look passed over Remus's face, but it was only there for a fraction of a moment. "I'm just trying to help. Actually, sometimes I'm surprised of the number of girls that fawn over you and Sirius considering the way you treat them."

"What is that supposed to mean?" asked Sirius. "We treat girls just fine!" He crossed his arms and frowned slightly.

Remus just sighed and shook his head. "Never mind. Forget I said anything." He rubbed absently at his forehead, and then set off down the corridor.

"Hey," James shouted after him, following. "No, what did you mean?" We don't do anything mean to them. And you know Lily secretly loves me and the things I do to her." He stopped just short of crashing in Remus as he whirled around to face him.

"Do you really think she likes it when you act like an arrogant prick? I let it go because I'm your friend and because of all the things you do for me, but James, she's a nice girl and she doesn't deserve to be picked on all the time."

"Lighten up, Moony! She knows it's 'cause I like her." James stared at his friend. Remus was acting so odd today.

"I don't know that she does, actually."

Sirius and Peter, by this time, had caught up to the other two. Sirius gave Remus a weird look, and then said, "What's your problem today, mate? Do you have a thing for Evans too?"

Remus sighed heavily. "Of course not," he said. "She's just a friend of mine. Now, if you don't mind, I am going back to the common room as I have a great deal of homework to catch up on from my time in the hospital wing." He turned around and left the other three there in the hallway, gaping at him.

The next few days were tense for the Marauders. Remus kept his distance and even refused to let them copy homework. This meant that they either had to do it themselves or forgo it all together. Sirius and James took the latter route, while Peter was stuck struggling and had to ask around for help. He finally got up the nerve to ask a nearby Ravenclaw for help, though she had little to say except, "It's in the wrist. Now leave me be. I have a Defense test next week, and I haven't studied near enough yet."

Remus avoided them for almost a day and a half before Sirius and James cornered him after breakfast one morning. They stood in front of him, arms crossed. Remus scowled at them, but let them say whatever it was they needed to say so he could be on his way.

"Now Moony," Sirius began, "we've let you ignore us for almost two days." Remus considered disputing the fact that ignoring them was _allowed_, but he thought better of it. "We miss our other mate. So you have two choices. You can continue to ignore us, in which case, we can make your like a living hell. As you wrote, pranking Marauders is fine for revenge. Or, if you'd like, you can cut the crap and we can go back to writing our book."

Remus considered this for a moment, genuinely thinking it over. Sirius was right; they could make life hell. They did have the power. Though, Remus thought wryly, life was pretty much already hell, at least once a month. "Fine, he said finally."

"Great!" said Sirius, clapping. "Now, you and Jamesy kiss and make up." A grin spread across his face.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" said James with obvious disgust. "And for the record, I don't like being called 'Jamesy.' Unless it's Lily," he added as she walked by with a group of friends. She scoffed and tossed her hair, and James shouted after her, "You know you love me, Lily-flower! You'll come around."

Remus shook his head slowly but didn't say anything. James would never learn.

Please R&R!


End file.
